But she also is vulnerable and unsure, and she probably still finds herself ruined and filthy. I have no intention of hurting her or abusing her; but she needs to know that she’s still pretty and attractive, despite of all the things that happened to her. Believe me, I shed no tears when Matthew was killed.”“And what do you know about those things?”I took a deep breath.“By the time Emilie disappeared, I had no illusions as to what probably had happened to her. So I tried to prepare myself as best I could to face the situation, so that I could support Jeanie afterwards. And, Laura, I was sure that you’d be a good mother, but I never guessed what kind of ‘momma bear’ you would become.”I managed to smile at Laura, even though thinking about Emilie still hurt. Now it was her turn to sigh.“I’m sorry, Will. Of course I trust you. It’s just suddenly so much. All that responsibility...”“Hey, you’re doing fine. Besides, she’s a good kid - or a good young woman.”“I know, I know.”She turned. La douleur exquise. I want more pain, more pleasure. I want to give him every immeasurable psychological inch of me this time, no wavering, no drifting, no volition. The more I give, the less I will be lost. There will be nothing left to adulterate my self-awareness. As for my Master, his responsibility is great, onerous, less enviable. It reassures me but I worry for him because it is I he has taken on. I want to tell him that he needn’t crush or deny me the complexity that is my humanity, as I will shed it in front of him. The ultimate disrobing, the veritable nudity. Anything for that intoxication and sobriety I feel around his domination. My Master is, to my eyes, an eerily beautiful man – the best kind, and the kind that stays with you forever - with the face of a cherubim, a Lucifer. Yet his eyes betray him; his icy gaze is devoid of affected humanity. I didn’t want to dig. A curious shallow scratch beneath his cool and collected exterior gave away nothing. It made me think.
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